Because I Need to Move On....

I have formed an unhealthy obsession with the story of Baby P...a 17 month old that died in August 2007. I spent literally an entire weekend researching the story and crying for this little guy, who lived such a short, terrible life. I can't explain why this story out of hundreds that I read over the weekend effected me so much. But after tons and tons of researching and reading every article I could find, I found his date of birth, 3/1/2006. Anthony was born on 3/31/2008 and is now just about the same age that little Peter was when his life was cut so disguistingly short. I will only share a quick version of his life story...I guess even the long version would be much quicker than it should be considering he only lived on this earth a little over a year. He was born in March 2006; his parents seperate in 2006 and she begins seeing another man. Within 3 months little Peter is seen in the hospital for bruising on his head and chest; mother claimed he fell. This began a cycle of more than 60 visits to the hospital and from social service workers. Little Peter was placed on a high risk list and should have been visited and checked by social workers thoroughly and often. In January 2007 Baby P was placed back in his mother's care, after being placed temporarily with a family friend while his mother was detained for suspision of assaulting the child. In subsequent hospital visits it is noted that baby Peter presents two black eyes, swelling in his head, scalp rash, ear discharge. On July 27 little Peter sees his dad for the last time. The father notices that there is something wrong with his son and described him as a usually happy baby. On this visit Peter was subdued, skinny and his beautiful blond hair was shaved. Peter's father refuses to return his son to the mother, who then contacts law enforcement. Police inform Peter's father that the baby must be returned. Peter's father brings his son home and hears the toddlers voice for the last time yelling out "daddy, daddy, daddy". Social services visits Peter's home on July 30th and does not notice injuries to Peter's hands and face as the mother has "clerverly" covered the baby with choclate. Had she even bothered to pick the poor child up she would have noticed a diaper that had not been changed in who knows how long, which had caused his skin to rot, she may have noticed one of over 50 injuries to the child's body, or that the child could barely move and had been placed in his stroller so that it would appear that Peter was of normal strength. Peter is brought to the hospital on August 1 but the doctor notes that Peter is miserble and cranky and so an proper examination was not completed. What was missed by the doctor was that Peter was paralyzed from a broken back and had eight broken ribs. On August 2 Peter's mother is informed that she will not be charged for previous detainment for abusing her son. August 3 paramedics are called to the home of baby Peter and find the toddler dead in his blood spattered cot. According to an eye-witness (the 15 year old girlfriend of a 30+ friend who was living in the home) on the night of August 2 Peter was in his room crying loudly, after spending the entire day confined by himself in the dark room and unchanged. Peter's nazi fanatic step father told everyone that he would "sort it" and enetered the child's room, closing the door. Silence followed. It is believed that at that time poor, innocent, tortured Peter received his final blow from his stepfather, a powerful punch to the face from a grown man who stood at over 6ft tall, causing the poor child to swallow a bottom tooth. Some time around 9-930 am the 15 year old girl reported to Peter's mother that he was not breathing and that he looked an odd color. At around 1130am the mother called for emergency assistance. Leading up to his death, poor baby Peter was seen over 60 times by medical and social service professionals and had over 50 injuries believed to have been caused by his terrifying step father. The 15 year old girl further reported, after years of hiding what she knew for fear of being found by the abuser and for fear of being blamed for the child's death, that she witnessed the step father hold Peter over his head and drop him to the ground, spin him on a chair so fast that he would fall and bang his head only to have the action repeated, Peter's finger tips were cut off in order to allow the step father to more easily use pliers to remove the toddler's finger nails, the stepfather would bite at Peter all over his body in order to train his two large breed dogs to do so, and how did the infant come to have a broken back? The teen reported that while smoking marijiuana the stepfather held Peter on his lap and played with him like a ragdoll. She then heard the echoing sound of Peter's spine being broken in two and the gut wrenching scream of the toddler.

How can this happen and no one noticed? How can anyone who was in contact with this child during those months of torture live with themselves? How could a mother let any one do those things to their child?

I lived millions of miles away from Baby Peter when he was brought in to this world and when his life was cut so tragically short. But my heart is broken all the same, as if I knew this innocent boy. My eyes cry as if they had ever laid sight on that beautiful, blond haired, blue eyed boy. For the past 3 days, since I first found this story, his face has been burned in to my brain. When Anthony laughs at something, smiles, sleeps, annoys me, says something new, I think that is what that little boy SHOULD HAVE been doing. Someone should have been his voice. My heart hurts so much so that I keep wishing to find something that says that somehow this didn't happen that the sweet little angel is fine and living a happy life.

I have to believe that he is in a better place. That he sleeps in the arms of the angels and feels no more pain. He such a short time on this earth and got to know only a glimmer of the love that he should have. But there is so much love in this world for him, there was so much love that he could have known if some one had just given him the chance.

It has been, literally, a week from hell. Serious financial issues started off my week. And now I am ending it by searching (fruitlessly) for a new home for my 6 year old poodle. :( I have had him for five years and, as lame as it sounds, he has been through a lot with me. He has alwauys had kid issues but this week he actually hurt my nephew :( I just can not justify having an animal in my house that I KNOW will attack children. It breaks but heart. So I will continue to search until I find the best possible home for him.

Since I am being forced to give up my Bear Pie. I have begun to seriously focus on training Izzie so that I don't have the same issues a few years down the road. She honestly is a pretty good dog. She allows the kids to TORTURE her and never snaps at them...although she does forget sometimes that she shouldn't nip the kids...but she is still a baby herself. I have high hopes for her as she really seems like she is catching on to everything....except sleeping in a crate. I just can't tak her hopping around the bed ALL night long any more....

So a lame week means a lame blog. sorry.

Faith In Humanity?

Is there even such a thing as humanity anymore? It seems that just when I think that I could not think less of people (as a whole...I know that not everyone is bad) something happens that I never thought possible. Is it possible that someone would place themselves so far above someone else that they would look in to the crying eyes of a grieving mother and lie? Is it possible for one human to think so little about another human that they would continue to cover up so that they will "look good"? How can people not realize yet that it will all come out? That the truth WILL BE revealed and you will have to answer. My heart hurts for the people that are grieving today and wish that there were answers that would soothe them , but the truth will be no more but salt thrown in to their already bleeding wounds.

I think I need a career change.

The Hardest Part...

Today I was faced with the hardest part of my job thus far. Last evening a "client" (consumer) of mine passed away. Very unexpectedly. Its was someone who has been on my caseload since the begining and had even worked with, on a few ocassions, when I was doing direct care. So I have known this person for about 3-4 years. As I sat with his family without the ability to even speak, as I was in complete shock, I thought about his whole unexpected life. How he was thrown in to his disabilities after living the first 20 (or so) years of his life completely "normal". And then for something like this to happen 20 years later! I can not imagine the pain and grief of his mother, who has lived to see her son go from a "regular" bright young man to being confined to a wheelchair and not even have the ability to eat REAL food. And then to watch him take his last breaths. She said something to me that really got me, as a mother, she told me to make sure and hug my little boy because it all goes by way too fast. It really brings it close to home that there are no guarantees in life. That just because you wake up today and kiss your child, doesn't mean that you will be able to do that tomorrow.



The hard part of my job is seeing the family, in grief, and also seeing the business side of everything. To understand why they want and need every single detail...and why we can not just give them that. I hate having to be at all involved in anything that may bring further hardship or inconvienence to them. I can only hope that they know how much I really do care.

I feel like I am not completely making sense...but I am feeling a little out of sorts. Anyways. My point is...I will always remember this person. His has life has really taught me that it is true when they say nothing is gauranteed. His mother's words to me will forever ring in my ears as I make sure to kiss and hug my son (and future children) every single chance I get. I will make sure that I tell him every day how much I love him. I will never take for granted his laugh, his smile, and his love. I will remember, even on the worst days, that I am lucky to have him in my life, I am lucky that my son is living and breathing. I will make sure to spend every chance I get with my family. I will make sure to tell them all how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I will cherish every moment I get.

I am feeling so down today....I wish I could discuss why in more detail. But I can not. The hardest part of my job, some times, is how close you become to cases, but yet still have to remain neutral; To feel so furious at a situation and not be able to express that; To stand in front of someone and agree with how they feel but not sure how to express that to them. I don't understand how people can do the things they do sometimes. How people can inflict so much pain on others...to neglect to realize when something this bad is going on. I don't understand why it seems that it is human nature to immediately find a way out of "blame" rather than just do the right thing. I guess not understanding these things says something good about me, but some times I just think it would be better to be like "others". It is days like the past few that make so happy to walk through my front door and to look in to the smiling face and innocent eyes of my son. It brings me some hope; To know that there is still innocence in this mostly screwed up world. And I will fight tooth and nail to keep my son's innocence for as long as possible.

The most amazing thing happend today. I found out that someone I USED to love was in a relationship (again). In the past, that information has really bothered me and sent me in to the dark depths of depression. But it didn't today....I was happy for him. Which was so....different. All I can think is that I have finally found "THE ONE". It seems like no matter what is going on around me, when I walk through the front door every day to find his face, nothing else matters. When I feel ready to breakdown, its his arms that I want to rest in. It is amazing to me that I stumbled across the best thing that has ever happend to me. He has given me so much that I needed in my life. I don't even remember the person I was before he came in to my life. Together we brought the most amazing light in to this world, and I could not imagine doing it with any one else. :) I am so happy today. I have realized that I am truely happy...finally!

Blogging Virgin Here...

I have never done this blogging thing... But I guess someone with as many opions as I should be blogging these days...

At least it will be mildly entertaining to me!