It has been, literally, a week from hell. Serious financial issues started off my week. And now I am ending it by searching (fruitlessly) for a new home for my 6 year old poodle. :( I have had him for five years and, as lame as it sounds, he has been through a lot with me. He has alwauys had kid issues but this week he actually hurt my nephew :( I just can not justify having an animal in my house that I KNOW will attack children. It breaks but heart. So I will continue to search until I find the best possible home for him.

Since I am being forced to give up my Bear Pie. I have begun to seriously focus on training Izzie so that I don't have the same issues a few years down the road. She honestly is a pretty good dog. She allows the kids to TORTURE her and never snaps at them...although she does forget sometimes that she shouldn't nip the kids...but she is still a baby herself. I have high hopes for her as she really seems like she is catching on to everything....except sleeping in a crate. I just can't tak her hopping around the bed ALL night long any more....

So a lame week means a lame blog. sorry.

Faith In Humanity?

Is there even such a thing as humanity anymore? It seems that just when I think that I could not think less of people (as a whole...I know that not everyone is bad) something happens that I never thought possible. Is it possible that someone would place themselves so far above someone else that they would look in to the crying eyes of a grieving mother and lie? Is it possible for one human to think so little about another human that they would continue to cover up so that they will "look good"? How can people not realize yet that it will all come out? That the truth WILL BE revealed and you will have to answer. My heart hurts for the people that are grieving today and wish that there were answers that would soothe them , but the truth will be no more but salt thrown in to their already bleeding wounds.

I think I need a career change.

The Hardest Part...

Today I was faced with the hardest part of my job thus far. Last evening a "client" (consumer) of mine passed away. Very unexpectedly. Its was someone who has been on my caseload since the begining and had even worked with, on a few ocassions, when I was doing direct care. So I have known this person for about 3-4 years. As I sat with his family without the ability to even speak, as I was in complete shock, I thought about his whole unexpected life. How he was thrown in to his disabilities after living the first 20 (or so) years of his life completely "normal". And then for something like this to happen 20 years later! I can not imagine the pain and grief of his mother, who has lived to see her son go from a "regular" bright young man to being confined to a wheelchair and not even have the ability to eat REAL food. And then to watch him take his last breaths. She said something to me that really got me, as a mother, she told me to make sure and hug my little boy because it all goes by way too fast. It really brings it close to home that there are no guarantees in life. That just because you wake up today and kiss your child, doesn't mean that you will be able to do that tomorrow.



The hard part of my job is seeing the family, in grief, and also seeing the business side of everything. To understand why they want and need every single detail...and why we can not just give them that. I hate having to be at all involved in anything that may bring further hardship or inconvienence to them. I can only hope that they know how much I really do care.

I feel like I am not completely making sense...but I am feeling a little out of sorts. Anyways. My point is...I will always remember this person. His has life has really taught me that it is true when they say nothing is gauranteed. His mother's words to me will forever ring in my ears as I make sure to kiss and hug my son (and future children) every single chance I get. I will make sure that I tell him every day how much I love him. I will never take for granted his laugh, his smile, and his love. I will remember, even on the worst days, that I am lucky to have him in my life, I am lucky that my son is living and breathing. I will make sure to spend every chance I get with my family. I will make sure to tell them all how much I love them and how much they mean to me. I will cherish every moment I get.

I am feeling so down today....I wish I could discuss why in more detail. But I can not. The hardest part of my job, some times, is how close you become to cases, but yet still have to remain neutral; To feel so furious at a situation and not be able to express that; To stand in front of someone and agree with how they feel but not sure how to express that to them. I don't understand how people can do the things they do sometimes. How people can inflict so much pain on others...to neglect to realize when something this bad is going on. I don't understand why it seems that it is human nature to immediately find a way out of "blame" rather than just do the right thing. I guess not understanding these things says something good about me, but some times I just think it would be better to be like "others". It is days like the past few that make so happy to walk through my front door and to look in to the smiling face and innocent eyes of my son. It brings me some hope; To know that there is still innocence in this mostly screwed up world. And I will fight tooth and nail to keep my son's innocence for as long as possible.

The most amazing thing happend today. I found out that someone I USED to love was in a relationship (again). In the past, that information has really bothered me and sent me in to the dark depths of depression. But it didn't today....I was happy for him. Which was so....different. All I can think is that I have finally found "THE ONE". It seems like no matter what is going on around me, when I walk through the front door every day to find his face, nothing else matters. When I feel ready to breakdown, its his arms that I want to rest in. It is amazing to me that I stumbled across the best thing that has ever happend to me. He has given me so much that I needed in my life. I don't even remember the person I was before he came in to my life. Together we brought the most amazing light in to this world, and I could not imagine doing it with any one else. :) I am so happy today. I have realized that I am truely happy...finally!